A few years back I was driving a Budget moving truck cross-country from CA to NY. I looked down at the fuel gauge and saw I was at about ¼ of a tank. An exit was coming up but I didn’t see a gas station right off the exit and really didn’t want to go too far out of the way to find one. “Maybe the next exit will have one right there,” I thought to myself. I figured I had about 50 miles left with a quarter tank. “I’ll be good.” The exit passes and maybe a mile past it is a sign that nicely reminds me there is no gas for the next 60 something miles. Anxiety sets in. “Ahh, I’ll make it.” Fast forward and the gauge needle can’t go any lower. About a mile out I see the exit and the gas station. Just as I feel that anxiety melt away, the truck stalls out and I coast to the shoulder. The engine turns over but there aren’t even fumes left to limp into the station. I start walking.
I didn’t have a gas can with me, but the station was happy to sell me one for about 3X what it would normally cost. That was the most expensive few gallons of gas I ever purchased. I filled the truck up at the station and got back on my way. I don’t remember much from the rest of that road trip, but I vividly remember that brief moment in time. It reminds me of so many couples that come to therapy for support.
Most couples arrive with similar struggles. The partners are irritable, arguing often, disconnected from each other. Emotionally, they have nothing left in the tank. They are at a decision point — try to walk to find some gas, or give up and abandon the car on the side of the road.
How do they find themselves stalled and out of gas? Not because they stopped caring, but because life kept moving and the next exit always seemed close enough. Too busy, too hectic, too much going on right now — we’ll pour into the relationship at the next one. But the next one never quite comes. And somewhere along the way the tank quietly hits empty.
I was lucky to make it within walking distance of a gas station on a lonely stretch of interstate in the desert. It ended up costing me a lot more time and money to get back on the road than if I had just stopped at that last exit. Couples therapy isn’t going to fill your tank and get you back on the road for another 300 miles. But it can get you a few gallons, off the shoulder, and back on your way — with a better sense of where the gas stations are.
Is your relationship on E?
Relationships stall at different points along the road. Some couples are within walking distance. Others have a longer hike ahead. Either way, the station is still there — and so is the road.