"You're both wrong."
This is how I usually start my couples work after hearing from both partners.
It’s a pretty shocking statement. I don’t think either partner expects to hear it in the opening of couples therapy. Most people come expecting validation – hoping I’ll see who’s really at fault. Instead, they get this.
When couples enter therapy with me – even if they’re working through something like infidelity – there are things both partners are likely doing that perpetuate the current emotional patterns in the relationship. I’m not minimizing the hurt or justifying the behavior. I’m letting them know, right then, that this is going to be different. I’m shifting the target from the individual to the patterns they’re both unknowingly stuck in.
That shift – from blame to pattern – is especially important when one partner is reluctant to be in therapy at all.
Which brings me to the question I get asked constantly: “Can therapy help if only one of us wants to be here?”
The short answer: Yes. But probably not in the way you think.
Let me show you what I mean.
When Reluctance Meets "You're Both Wrong"
A couple sits in my office for the first time. She talks about not feeling valued. He’s frustrated – they keep arguing about the same thing, which in his mind is about the “structure” of the relationship. Previous marriages, blended family, competing loyalties to kids. It doesn’t take long to recognize he’s not the most hopeful or eager participant.
He talks about how he isn’t going to compromise on some fundamental values – like making sure his son doesn’t feel forgotten.
“And you shouldn’t,” I respond. “I wouldn’t expect either of you to compromise on your core values. We might not be able to find compromise on some of these issues. But if we aren’t communicating clearly and really understanding what the core emotional need is, the why behind what you’re feeling, then we certainly aren’t going to be able to even try.”
At the end of the session, I give my disclaimer: “Finding the right therapist is important. I know it can be hard to decide that after just one session. If you’d like to take some time and talk about it and get back to me, that’s totally fine. Or we can schedule something now and give it a few sessions and go from there. How would you both like to move forward?”
She’s onboard. He’s not hiding his skepticism. “We can do another and see what happens.”
What Actually Happens When the Reluctant Partner Sits Down
So what happened in that first session that got a skeptical partner to agree to session two – even reluctantly?
Here’s what I do when both partners sit down – one eager, one reluctant:
I open with: “I read what you wrote on the intake, but I always still like to ask the Golden Question: What brings you to couples therapy?”
Ninety-nine percent of the time, the couple looks at each other. There’s this moment – sometimes brief, sometimes awkward – where they’re figuring out who’s going to start. And that’s usually the first real glimpse I get into the dynamic.
If a partner is reluctant, it shows up right here. I might hear: “Well, you scheduled this.” Or see body language that says “go ahead” in a way that’s more resigned than collaborative. The eager partner often jumps in. The reluctant one sits back, arms maybe crossed, waiting.
This is another reason I ask the Golden Question instead of just going with whoever scheduled the session or repeating what’s on the intake form. That moment – who speaks first, how they decide, what’s communicated nonverbally – tells me a lot about what we’re working with.
One partner shares their perspective – the problems, the hurt, what they want different. I listen. I paraphrase back what I heard. I validate the experience.
Then I turn to the other partner, and sometimes seemingly to their surprise, I ask: “From your perspective, what do you feel the issue is, or is there anything you’re noticing or missing for you?”
This does something important: It signals to the reluctant partner that I’m not here to hear one side of the story and fix them. I’m here to understand both of you.
I listen. I paraphrase. I validate.
And then I hit them with the disrupter: “You’re both wrong.”
“Let me explain,” I continue. “You’re not wrong about your feelings. You’re not wrong about being hurt or frustrated or exhausted. But I believe you’re wrong about where the problem is.
The problem isn’t that one of you needs to change. The problem isn’t that you’re incompatible or broken or fundamentally flawed. The problem is the cycle you’re stuck in. The pattern that keeps repeating. The way you’ve both been trying to solve this that keeps making it worse.”
When I externalize the cycle – when I show both partners that it’s not “you vs. each other” but “both of you vs. this stuck pattern” – something shifts. The reluctant partner relaxes slightly. Because I’m not there to fix them. The eager partner gets something different than expected. Because I’m not there to validate that they’re right.
Both can engage differently.
When the Shift Happens
By session two with that couple, we started peeling back what “being valued” really meant to her. What was underneath that word? And for him – why was time with his son so important? What was he protecting?
As we talked, I modeled a different kind of conversation. When he could articulate the “why” behind his choices – his love for his son, his commitment to being present – and she could hear that without it being an attack on her, something shifted. She could say: “I get that now. That’s not what I was hearing before.”
And when she could name what “valued” actually meant – needing reassurance of his love for her, verbal affirmation that she mattered – he could give that. Not as obligation, but as genuine response to understanding her need.
She felt heard. He felt less attacked. The conflict that had been constant between sessions nearly disappeared.
By the end of session two, he said: “I think there might be a way forward here.” The reluctant partner was now engaged.
This is what happens when one partner is reluctant. It’s not a barrier – it’s information about what they’re protecting and what they need to feel safe.
Why Partners Are Reluctant (And What It Really Means)
When a partner is reluctant to come to therapy, they’re usually not resistant to change. They’re protecting themselves against something they fear.
Common fears behind reluctance:
Fear of being blamed. “Therapy means everyone agrees I’m the problem.”
Shame about needing help. “We should be able to figure this out ourselves.”
Belief that nothing’s fundamentally wrong. “You’re overreacting. We’re fine.”
Past bad therapy experience. “The last therapist took her side.”
Vulnerability feels threatening. “I don’t want to sit there and talk about my feelings for an hour.”
Here’s what I’ve observed: Reluctance isn’t resistance to change. It’s protection against being the identified problem. When a partner is reluctant, they’re usually saying: “I’m afraid this is going to confirm that I’m the bad guy.”
That’s not a barrier to therapy. That’s exactly what therapy needs to address.
Can It Work If Only One Partner Wants It?
Yes – but not in the way the eager partner usually hopes.
If the eager partner is coming to therapy hoping I’ll convince their partner to change, they’ll be disappointed. That’s not therapy – that’s taking sides.
If the reluctant partner is coming hoping I’ll tell the eager partner to stop overreacting, they’ll also be disappointed.
What can work: Both partners realizing that the problem isn’t in either of them – it’s between them. It’s the cycle. The stuck pattern. The way you’ve both been trying to solve this that keeps making it worse.
When therapy externalizes the cycle, both partners have something to work on together. The reluctant partner isn’t being fixed. The eager partner isn’t being validated. Both are discovering how they’re caught in something neither of them wants.
That’s the work. And yes, it can happen even when one partner is dragging the other through the door.
What the Eager Partner Should Know
If you’re the partner who pushed for therapy, you’re probably hoping I’ll see what you see: that your partner needs to change.
Here’s what I’ll actually do: I’ll help you see how you’re both contributing to the cycle – yes, even you.
That’s not saying you’re equally to blame or that your concerns aren’t valid. It’s saying: the pattern you’re stuck in involves both of you. And you can’t change your partner – you can only change how you show up in the cycle.
Often, the willing partner is more resistant to this than the reluctant one. Because you came hoping for validation, and I’m offering something else: collaboration.
If you can shift from “get my partner to see they’re wrong” to “help us understand what we’re stuck in,” the reluctance you’re worried about becomes less relevant. Because you’re not trying to change them anymore. You’re both working to change the pattern.
What the Reluctant Partner Should Know
If you’re here because your partner insisted, you’re probably bracing for judgment.
Here’s what won’t happen: I’m not going to tell you what’s wrong with you. I’m not taking sides. I’m not here to fix you.
What will happen: I’m going to try to understand what it’s like to be you in this relationship. What you’re responding to. What you need that you’re not getting. How the cycle affects you.
The partner who doesn’t want to be in therapy often becomes the most engaged – because they finally feel heard instead of blamed.
When you’re not defending yourself against being “the problem,” you can actually engage with what’s happening between you. That’s when therapy becomes useful instead of threatening.
When Couples Therapy Might Not Be the Right Fit
Reluctance is normal. But there are times when couples therapy isn’t the right approach – at least not right now.
When there’s intimate partner violence, safety comes first. When one partner refuses to engage at all – not reluctant, actively sabotaging – that’s different. And sometimes, individual struggles need to be addressed before couples work can be effective.
I once worked with a couple where one partner’s individual challenges kept overwhelming our work together. No matter how much we externalized the cycle, we’d get pulled back into dynamics that had more to do with individual patterns than relationship patterns. I eventually had to name it – as gently and non-blamingly as possible – and suggest individual therapy alongside our work. It didn’t go well. I went from “best therapist ever” to villain overnight. Therapy ended.
Even then, I wasn’t giving up on them. I was recognizing that couples therapy wasn’t the right tool for what they needed in that moment.
But reluctance? Skepticism? One partner dragging the other in hesitantly? That’s not a barrier. That’s just the starting point.
What Makes Couples Therapy Work With a Reluctant Partner
I tell couples this: As long as you’re willing to keep slugging it out with me, I won’t give up on you. If you two feel there’s something worth fighting for, I will keep fighting for it with you.
It’s not my place to decide whether your relationship can work. You might get there on your own, and that’s okay. But if you have hope, so do I.
Couples therapy works with a reluctant partner when:
The therapist doesn’t take sides. Both partners feel the therapist is genuinely trying to understand them.
The cycle gets externalized. It’s both of you vs. the pattern, not you vs. each other.
Both partners feel heard and understood. Not agreed with necessarily – but heard.
No one is positioned as “the problem.” Individual responsibility exists, but it’s framed within the relational pattern.
The reluctant partner realizes it’s safe to engage. They’re not being ganged up on or pathologized.
The eager partner realizes validation isn’t the goal – change is. And change requires both of them.
When those conditions exist, reluctance fades. Not because anyone got convinced – but because therapy became something different than what both partners feared.
Reluctance Isn't a Barrier - It's Information
If your partner is reluctant about couples therapy, that’s not a dealbreaker. It’s often where the real work begins – because reluctance tells us something important about what they’re protecting and what they need.
The question isn’t “Will they come willingly?” The question is: Will the therapy create safety for both of you to show up authentically?
When a therapist externalizes the cycle instead of pathologizing individuals, when both partners feel genuinely heard instead of judged, when the work becomes “both of us vs. this stuck pattern” instead of “one of us needs to fix the other” – that’s when reluctance stops being relevant.
Because you’re not there to prove who’s right. You’re there to understand what you’re stuck in and create something different together.
And yes – that can happen even when one partner didn’t want to be there in the first place.
If You're Ready to Try Couples Therapy (Even If Your Partner Is Reluctant)
Whether you’re the eager partner hoping for change or the reluctant partner being dragged in, couples therapy can create space to understand what you’re stuck in and work toward something different – together.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for psychotherapy.